god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
