You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
