Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
