level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
