Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
