Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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