oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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