in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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