Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
