don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
