I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
