New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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