so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
