come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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