Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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