yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
