they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
