Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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