you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
