Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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