i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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