birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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