Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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