It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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