if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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