he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
