I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
