how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
