This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
