i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I think my fart just growled at me.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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