I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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