Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
