When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
