I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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