Don't you send me to vm
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
