Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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