I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
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