You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
All the doctor said was why
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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