you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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