After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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