My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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