I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
