I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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