My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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