"it" just moved
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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