you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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