So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
