I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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