yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
