i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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