you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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