She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
