I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
