I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
