Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just gift wrapped bread.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
this will be a night to untag.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
