Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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