no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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