There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
