You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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